Tuesday 24 December 2019
Friday 20 December 2019
Saturday 14 December 2019
Monday 9 December 2019
Thursday 5 December 2019
Sunday 1 December 2019
Tuesday 26 November 2019
Sunday 17 November 2019
Monday 11 November 2019
Sunday 3 November 2019
Monday 28 October 2019
Thursday 24 October 2019
Monday 21 October 2019
Saturday 12 October 2019
Wednesday 9 October 2019
Saturday 5 October 2019
Thursday 3 October 2019
Monday 30 September 2019
Tuesday 24 September 2019
Thursday 19 September 2019
Monday 16 September 2019
Sunday 15 September 2019
Sunday 8 September 2019
Thursday 5 September 2019
Saturday 31 August 2019
Tuesday 27 August 2019
Sunday 25 August 2019
Friday 23 August 2019
Wednesday 21 August 2019
Monday 19 August 2019
Saturday 10 August 2019
Thursday 8 August 2019
Tuesday 6 August 2019
Death and Tobias Fletcher (short story)
Tobias Fletcher was 32 years old. He was the kind of man
most people just forgot. This was because if a single adjective could be used
to describe the totality of his existence, it would be “average”. Not terrible,
not useless, just average. From his
mousey brown hair to his neutral (almost passive) facial features, nothing
about Tobias really stood out.
He spent his days as a data entry specialist (corporate
speak for paper-pusher) at Magnus Actuarial Management, a mid-size firm with an
office on the edge of the city in which he lived. He’d done so for the past
five years. Often, while looking at the screen in his cubicle, Tobias’s mind
would drift into a fantasy, almost always the same one. In it, he would abandon
his humdrum life of data entry, go back to school and become a real actuary.
He’d been thinking about this for a long time, motivated in
part by the crush he had on Clara Walcott, a girl who worked in accounts down
the hall. When someone in the office had a birthday, it wasn’t unusual for
Tobias to be left without a slice of cake – not because of any undue cruelty on
the part of his fellow employees, it was just that in their minds, he was
closer to a piece of furniture than an actual person.
Clara was different though. Where the others mostly seemed
to look right through him, Clara took notice. They would sometimes have lunch
together and she’d ask with genuine interest about what he did when he clocked
out. She had hair so blonde that it cast a pearly shimmer when it caught the
light and she’d regularly smile at him with an affectionate twinkle in her deep
green eyes.
Tobias had a feeling that Clara wanted to be more than
friends and although the comfort of familiarity and routine had prevented him
from pursuing a brighter career path, he realised that if he wanted to get
serious with her, he would have to be more of a go-getter.
So early one Monday morning, Tobias resolved that when he
got to work, he’d go see his supervisor, Mr Crenshaw and give him his month’s
notice, then find a part-time job which would allow him the freedom to attend
lectures during the day (it would mean living on a tighter budget, but at least
he’d be able to pay for college from his savings).
Now, on the day when he’d finally decided to change his
life, here he stood at the intersection just outside the office, somehow
staring down at his own body as a small crowd began to form.
The Uber driver who’d hit Tobias as he moved along the
crosswalk was a generally decent guy. He’d only tried to jump the red light
because he was late picking up a fare at the airport. He sat on the pavement a
short distance from his car with his head in his hands. The hood and front
grille were crumpled and dented, the windscreen crisscrossed with a spider web of
fractures and the man on the tar in the neat button-down shirt and business
slacks was quite obviously dead.
Tobias hadn’t given much thought to what would happen at the
end of his life. He figured it’d be like a light being flicked off – one minute
you’re here and the next, you’re just...gone. He certainly hadn’t expected to
hang around after the fact and now had no idea what to do.
After coming to terms with the fact that it actually was his
own corpse lying in the road, limp and awkwardly positioned by the impact – he strode
along the front line of the crowd, trying to get someone’s attention. Even for
a man who was used to going unnoticed, the results were unnerving. No matter
what he said or how loudly he said it, none of them so much as cocked their
heads in his direction.
“They can’t hear you, dude,” said an oddly soothing voice, “It’s
part of the deal, usually.”
Tobias turned, a little startled by the act of recognition.
Near him stood a tall young man (no older than 25) with slightly scruffy hair
of the deepest obsidian. He wore 80s sunglasses, jeans, white running shoes and
a blue shirt emblazoned with the words, “Don’t worry, be happy.”
“If they can’t, why can you?”
“Why do you think?”
Tobias paused, “Hang on, are you...the Grim Reaper?”
The man grinned and briefly pushed his shades up to reveal
eyes that glowed an unearthly blue. “I’m pretty easy-going, most days.”
Tobias noticed then that the man had tattoos, elegant doves
in flight, one on each forearm.
“You don’t look at all like I would have expected.”
“I get that a lot. I don’t always look like this either. I
try to take forms that won’t freak people out too badly.”
“So you never show up as a skeleton in a long robe, carrying
that big pointy thing?”
He grinned again, “Not really, no. But between you and me, I’ll
do it sometimes, just to fuck with an edgy goth kid who took things too far.”
His face took on a more serious expression and he said, “Time to head out now.”
Just then, Clara screamed “Tobias, no!” She’d walked up just
as the ambulance arrived and was now crying quietly as she watched the
paramedics load his broken body into the rear, under a clinical white sheet.
“Clara, shit.” Tobias muttered, suddenly reminded of the
situation’s gravity. “Look, man. That girl over there is someone special. Could
you give me some time to say goodbye?”
“Afraid not, friend. It would only make things harder, trust
me on that.”
Tobias hung his head, his face stricken with the grief of
loss.
“It’s rough, I know,” Death said kindly. I can’t let you
talk to her, but if you want, I’ll give her a final message.”
Tobias thought for a while, looked up with a rueful smile
and said, “Tell her ‘Thank you for being the one who saw me.”
“Cool, can do.” The dove on Death’s right forearm rose
silently from his skin as a fully formed bird, perched there for a moment and
then really did take flight towards Clara, her eyes still streaming.
As it drew near, the dove became a beam of pure white light.
Warm and benevolent, it passed directly into her chest. Clara swayed a little
on her feet and even though tears stained her cheeks, she smiled sweetly.
“She knows,” said Death, patting Tobias on the shoulder. “Now
we really gotta hit the road. Oh, uh, no pun intended. Just follow me.”
As he walked, Tobias looked back at Clara one last time with
a feeling of bittersweet joy. The space ahead of him then began to ripple and
fold, like a curtain being slowly pulled back before a vast and immeasurable
distance beyond.
Looking at Death, he said, “You know, for the
personification of the Ultimate End, you’re a nice guy.”
“Customer satisfaction guaranteed,” answered his strange
guide with another grin.
Monday 5 August 2019
Thursday 1 August 2019
Thursday 25 July 2019
Wednesday 24 July 2019
A collection of cruel and caustic call-outs
A long while ago now, I wrote a piece on this very blog
lamenting the lack of creativity I see when average humans decide to insult one
another. In reaction to this, I offered a list of colourful alternatives to the
tiresome profanity and uninspiring invective which seem so commonplace
nowadays. Well, I've decided it's about time for a new collection – use these
with care – but at you leisure:
·
Wobbling mass of stupendous ineptitude
·
Loathsome sack of utter disappointment
·
Dull-headed doorknob from another dimension
·
Hideously lopsided root-vegetable
·
Pompous paragon of astounding vapidity
·
Corporeal manifestation of pure and total error
·
Wheezing bag of wasted humanity
Tuesday 23 July 2019
Tuesday 16 July 2019
Thursday 11 July 2019
Tuesday 9 July 2019
Thursday 4 July 2019
Sunday 30 June 2019
Friday 28 June 2019
Thursday 27 June 2019
Thursday 20 June 2019
Thursday 13 June 2019
Saturday 8 June 2019
Thursday 6 June 2019
Sunday 2 June 2019
Thursday 30 May 2019
Tuesday 28 May 2019
Thursday 23 May 2019
Monday 13 May 2019
Sunday 5 May 2019
Wednesday 1 May 2019
Tuesday 30 April 2019
Wednesday 24 April 2019
Tuesday 16 April 2019
Friday 12 April 2019
Tuesday 9 April 2019
Thursday 4 April 2019
Thursday 28 March 2019
Tuesday 26 March 2019
Thursday 21 March 2019
Monday 18 March 2019
Thursday 14 March 2019
Sunday 10 March 2019
Thursday 7 March 2019
Tuesday 5 March 2019
Monday 4 March 2019
Sunday 3 March 2019
Saturday 2 March 2019
Friday 22 February 2019
Saturday 16 February 2019
Monday 11 February 2019
Tuesday 5 February 2019
Wednesday 30 January 2019
Sunday 27 January 2019
Wednesday 23 January 2019
Thursday 17 January 2019
Monday 14 January 2019
Saturday 12 January 2019
Wednesday 9 January 2019
Sunday 6 January 2019
Thursday 3 January 2019
Wednesday 2 January 2019
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