The festive season is close at hand; seen as a time of peace and merriment for millions across the globe. However, dear friends, do not be fooled! A deceptively insidious scourge exists which has been allowed to blight an otherwise joyous occasion for far too long.
The astute among you will realise that I am of course referring to that great (yet oddly unacknowledged) symbol of oppression, the candy cane. Those unschooled in the subtle practice of confection-based bigotry might exclaim, "How could you possibly be offended by a candy cane? It's so colourful and sweet." However, therein lies its diabolical genius.
The North Pole is among the world's greatest generators of effective propaganda; consider this, in all the Christmas movies you've watched in your life, have you ever once seen an elf who couldn't walk? I think not!
The horrible truth is that they do exist, but the ironically named Saint Nicholas is actually a monstrous sadist of the first order. He keeps the cripples in a dank, dimly lit basement and the ones who fail to produce toys at twice the normal rate are dragged into the reindeer paddock and left to be gored and kicked to death by that crimson-nosed beast and his merciless herd.
The world at large will never know the unspeakable horrors that go on in that icy hell, but to remind his physically challenged slaves of their wretched lot in life, the red-coated tyrant takes perverse pleasure in ensuring that a symbol of their infirmity is enjoyed by countless hordes of unwitting holidaymakers each year.
Friends, I implore you, do not allow yourselves to be made silent accomplices in this heinous and dastardly mental torture any longer. Forgo the purchase of these sugary demonsticks; or if you do not, stand for what is right and hurl them into the roaring flames over which you shall roast chestnuts!
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